Wanting . . . What?

I have decided that I really don't like my 50's. I'm thinking of this stage of my life as the years of discontent. I can't seem to feel settled and at peace in my life at home or at work. I often feel bored, bored, bored, and how can my mundane life matter at all to anyone?

Is this a product of my age? Of the sense that now is the time to consider what is real, true, lovely and important? Of the sense that yes, I'm 53, and the time to grab hold of whatever it is I want to grab hold of better be happening sooner rather than later? I feel like a two year old . . . wanting . . . something . . . what. . .is. . .it?!

I feel like there really is a something. That God's preparing me for something, but I can't see what it is. Could it be that I'm living the something? That the people I see and encourage are what God has for me. I just don't know.

It frustrates me.

I recently read an author who said to God - "I want to know the how. How to go about this or that, how to live like I've been set free. How to be who God created me to be." God's answer was - "let go of the how, you need to drink my milk and eat my food--that's what's important. The answers will come later" (66 Love Letters). I like that, and think I have to let go of my "what is it You have for me to do", but . . . it's hard.

For a number of months now, I've had this quote on my desk: "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" I've been pondering it, but haven't come up with an answer. I'm trying to drink the milk and eat the food . . .but failing.

Then at Leadership Summit, the theme - Action Trumps Everything. (Lee Schlesinger) Does it? How do you know when to act, and if the time to act is now. . . Lee would say step up, take action. How do you know unless you try. . . but what if you don't know what it is you want to try? Still working at drinking the milk and eating the food . . .

Another theme of the summit - tough callings. I already wrote about Mama Maggie. She had a clear call. She is at peace. Jeremiah the prophet had a tough call. God called him to preach and he did, although he was beat up a lot for his obedience. God finally told him to tell the people, if they didn't obey they would be broken into pieces like the clay pot he was to throw on the ground. Jeremiah obeyed God, and got beat up for his trouble once again . . . not sure I want to get beat up, but. . . what passion he had for God.

Each of the Summit participants received a shard of a clay pot, and quiet time to consider what our piece of clay might be saying to us. On one side, I wrote, what am I afraid of. On the other side, break my heart with what is breaking Your (God's) heart, a challenge from Brenda Salter McNeil.

I feel jealous of these folks who know who they are and what they are called to do. Frustrated, as I feel lost. Guess for now I keep drinking the milk and eating the food. . .

Mama Maggie

I attended the Willow Creek Leadership summit simulcast at Christ Memorial this past week. There are a number of contemplations rolling through my brain, but for right now, I'll concentrate on Mama Maggie.

I am struck first by the countenance of Mama Maggie. She is a woman who looks peaceful and content--she actually looks holy to me.

Mama Maggie gave up a cultured, elegant life to work with the children and people who live in literal garbage dumps in India. Children sleep in the garbage. They eat the garbage. . .

When she spoke about this choice, she spoke in a humble, unassuming way. Yet her first words, about the first thing to do, which is sell everything are powerful to me. I understand that not all of us are called to this extreme, yet part of me wonders, is that really true? This is after all what Christ asks of us when He says, follow me. . .

Some of my favorite bits from her talk:

• If you want to be a hero, do what God wants you to do
• Forgiveness is not between you and the other, it's between you and God . . He holds the account

and my favorite bit, about silence - she says "silence is the step to getting all the treasures . . . it is there we experience eternity". This is what she said:

1. Silence your body to listen to your words
2. Silence your tongue to listen to your thoughts
3. Silence your thoughts to list to your heart beating
4. Silence your heart to listen to your spirit
5. Silence your spirit to listen to HIS Spirit
6. You silence all to listen to the One.

This seems beautiful and desirable to me - but how to get there?

I think you must have to sell everything, including your husband and children if you have them. How else can you even get to silence?

As I was trying to have a little time of contemplation to write down these thoughts my husband (and I don't even have children at home anymore) kept bothering me - where are my shorts, what about that plant, etc. Right now I feel about as far from hearing God's Spirit as I can be, and I know there is no way I'm looking holy. . .

To support Mama Maggie's work, please visit the Stephen's Children site.

The Story Above All Stories

King's Cross by Timothy Keller

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I cannot recommend "King's Cross" highly enough. There were so many parts that spoke to me, that brought me to new awareness of the gift of Jesus to the World.

How can it be that we have lost the urgency, the joy, the passion that is the real and true story of Jesus. Like C.S. Lewis, Timothy Keller opens my brain to new pathways of understanding of just how significant the death of Jesus on the cross is.

I know this seems weird to say. I'm a Christian - one would think I'm feeling this all the time. But, I'm not. Honestly, sometimes I think I am more worried about hurting a person's feelings, or offending a person by sharing the story of Jesus. Keller explains gospel means "news that brings great joy"--why in the world wouldn't I be eager to share that with someone?

How have we lost that? How have we let the world convince us that sharing Jesus' news of great joy is not a good thing?

I'd like to entice you with excerpts, but I practically have to quote the whole book! I'll give you some pictures of the essence.

In Chapter 1, we learn that the Trinity (the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit) are

"each centering on the others, adoring and serving them . . . this makes God infinitely, profoundly happy . . . if it's true that this world has been created by the Triune God, then ultimate reality is a dance . . . if this world was made by a Triune God, relationships of love are what life is really about . . . He must have created us not to get joy, but to give it".

The author then goes on to the story of Jesus temptation in the wilderness. He explains the wilderness is a battleground, and Satan is wanting to tempt us away from the dance. Using the story of Adam, Keller explains that God said to Adam:

"because you love me, don't eat from the tree--just because I say so. . . Obey me about the tree and you will live".

We know that Adam didn't live up to his end of the bargain.

Now Satan goes to Jesus in the wilderness - Satan comes to Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane:

"the ultimate antigarden to the Garden of Eden. . .God said to Jesus, 'Obey me about the tree',--only this time the tree was a cross--and you will die. And Jesus did. He has gone before you into the heart of a very real battle to draw you into the ultimate reality of the dance. What He has enjoyed from all eternity, he has come to offer to you".

In the afterward of the book, Keller tells us that:

"Steven Spielberg was refused any Oscars until he stopped making movies with only happy endings, yet his fairy tale-ending movies are his most popular. . . critics observe this and scowl that, of course, "escapist" stories will always be popular".

He (Keller) goes on to say that Tolkien argues:

"people sense that such stories point to some underlying Reality. As we read or watch them, we are being told that the world is certainly filled with danger . . . nonetheless there is a meaning to things, there is a difference between good and evil, and above all there will be a final defeat of evil . . .the gospel story of Jesus is the underlying Reality to which all the stories point. . . it is the true story; it happened".

Keller also shares the words of theologian Robert W. Jensen:

"our culture is in crisis because the modern world has lost it's story. We once thought that life had a purpose, that there was something to live for, and that there was hope for a resolution to the sufferings of the world. Now, many say, none of these things are true".

What a sad statement.

If ever there was a time for sharing "news of great joy", it is now, don't you think? I'm a Christian. I have the antidote. Guess what, the antidote is a story. I love stories, and this one is true. I need to be as eager to share this story as I am to share the stories of the novels I read.

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