I have decided that I really don't like my 50's. I'm thinking of this stage of my life as the years of discontent. I can't seem to feel settled and at peace in my life at home or at work. I often feel bored, bored, bored, and how can my mundane life matter at all to anyone?
Is this a product of my age? Of the sense that now is the time to consider what is real, true, lovely and important? Of the sense that yes, I'm 53, and the time to grab hold of whatever it is I want to grab hold of better be happening sooner rather than later? I feel like a two year old . . . wanting . . . something . . . what. . .is. . .it?!
I feel like there really is a something. That God's preparing me for something, but I can't see what it is. Could it be that I'm living the something? That the people I see and encourage are what God has for me. I just don't know.
It frustrates me.
I recently read an author who said to God - "I want to know the how. How to go about this or that, how to live like I've been set free. How to be who God created me to be." God's answer was - "let go of the how, you need to drink my milk and eat my food--that's what's important. The answers will come later" (66 Love Letters). I like that, and think I have to let go of my "what is it You have for me to do", but . . . it's hard.
For a number of months now, I've had this quote on my desk: "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" I've been pondering it, but haven't come up with an answer. I'm trying to drink the milk and eat the food . . .but failing.
Then at Leadership Summit, the theme - Action Trumps Everything. (Lee Schlesinger) Does it? How do you know when to act, and if the time to act is now. . . Lee would say step up, take action. How do you know unless you try. . . but what if you don't know what it is you want to try? Still working at drinking the milk and eating the food . . .
Another theme of the summit - tough callings. I already wrote about Mama Maggie. She had a clear call. She is at peace. Jeremiah the prophet had a tough call. God called him to preach and he did, although he was beat up a lot for his obedience. God finally told him to tell the people, if they didn't obey they would be broken into pieces like the clay pot he was to throw on the ground. Jeremiah obeyed God, and got beat up for his trouble once again . . . not sure I want to get beat up, but. . . what passion he had for God.
Each of the Summit participants received a shard of a clay pot, and quiet time to consider what our piece of clay might be saying to us. On one side, I wrote, what am I afraid of. On the other side, break my heart with what is breaking Your (God's) heart, a challenge from Brenda Salter McNeil.
I feel jealous of these folks who know who they are and what they are called to do. Frustrated, as I feel lost. Guess for now I keep drinking the milk and eating the food. . .
1 comment:
Perhaps you are called to be content. To be willing to be unnoticed. (perhaps I am!) What you do is important. God makes everything important, just like he makes everything beautiful. You don't have to know what he's doing with your willingness to follow him and live for him in order for him to be doing something great with your life.
The tulip is my favorite flower. It's my favorite flower because it waits all winter in the dark cold ground. It has to do this seemingly useless and painful thing because if it doesn't, it cannot bloom. Every spring and every fall I get reminded of this good truth.
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